How do you say goodbye?
How do you get over guilt and regret that causes so much pain and emotional turmoil? You can’t put the blame on anyone else because, at the end of the day, it was your own actions that led to this. So, how do you move forward and find peace within yourself? Seriously, this is the question of a lifetime that I am wrestling with.
I met a man who was thoughtful, generous, caring, and completely selfless in every way. I blew it and walked away from him, not because of anything he did, but because of my own struggles. I was a broken soul, unable to see just how deeply broken I was from my upbringing, past relationships, and constant self-doubt. My internal trauma and personal demons took control, and instead of fighting through, I ran. This man deserved someone so much better than me. I left not because I didn’t love him—because, let’s be real, if you ever met him, you’d fall in love with him too. Honestly, EVERYONE DID!
After I left I spent the next eight years pretending I was okay, convincing everyone around me—and sometimes even myself—that everything was just fine. I became so skilled at putting on that mask of normalcy that I genuinely began to believe it myself. What helped were the plethora of distractions to keep my mind busy. I went to church regularly, finding comfort and community there. I also enjoyed many lively ladies’ nights out, fun-filled game nights, and countless parties that kept my social calendar packed. During that time, my grandchildren were born, giving me the wonderful gift of becoming a grandmother. It was a chance to love and nurture in ways I hoped to have done better as a mother, and that hope brought me a special kind of joy and purpose. Our son was involved in a truly horrific car accident that almost took his precious life away. His recovery became my biggest distraction, consuming my every thought and energy. I focused all my attention on him and on helping him get well, putting everything else aside. I thought I was holding it together until this wonderful man—someone so dear to me—passed away. I can’t even begin to describe the depth of that pain. It was mind-blowing, absolutely heart-breaking, and shattered my entire world into pieces. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think clearly, couldn’t focus at all. Have you ever witnessed someone in such physical pain that they simply pass out? That’s exactly what happened to me emotionally. The heartache was so intense that the part of my brain that controls emotions just completely shut down. In such a small amount of time, I began to feel nothing at all—utterly numb. I barely have any clear memory of how I managed to make it through his funeral or the difficult months that followed. If I’m being really honest with myself, I have never fully processed his loss. A large part of my mind still needs constant reminders that he is no longer here on this earth.
Eventually I did get into therapy, and actually, I ended up seeing a couple of different therapists before finding one that really clicked with me. Through this process, I’ve gained a much better understanding of who I am at my core and why I tend to behave the way I do in various situations. To help you get a clearer picture of what I mean, I’m going to describe myself using a few adjectives that feel spot-on. I’m controlling, skeptical of people’s intentions, quick to anger, prone to worrying about everything under the sun, an overthinker to the extreme, ultra-sensitive to emotions and surroundings, constantly in need of change and stimulation, living with ADHD, and often stuck in a near-constant state of “fight or flight” mode. Thankfully, thanks to therapy, I can recognize these traits more clearly now, and I’m actively working on managing them and finding healthier ways to cope. But this recognition doesn’t take away the deep pain I feel, and it absolutely doesn’t erase the heavy regret that weighs on my heart. It’s really quite simple — I never should have left him in the first place. If I hadn’t made that choice to walk away, he would still be here with me today.
Why do I bring this up now? Well, today marks the 2-year anniversary of his passing. It’s not a day for celebration, by any means. Rather, it’s the anniversary of the deep pain I caused so many people because I left him, and he passed away. It’s also the day that reminds me of my own overwhelming guilt, regret, and heartache. I will never let myself off the hook, and honestly, I shouldn’t. It’s a heavy burden to carry, but I will live with it. I will go the rest of my life feeling this way, carrying this weight in my heart, all while watching our son experience his own pain because his father is no longer here with us.
So I leave you these words of wisdom, and trust me when I say, I truly know what I am talking about. Never walk away from your loved ones; fight for them with all your heart and soul. Seek help in facing your own internal demons and unresolved traumas before it’s too late to turn things around. Your strength and love can make all the difference.
It’s too late for me and this man, and that’s the harsh, ugly truth I have to face. Despite everything, I will forever carry the deep love I have for him gently in my heart as I find the strength to move forward in the best way I possibly can. I am determined to teach our son to be better, to do better, and most importantly, to never give up on people, especially those we love with all our hearts.
Until we meet again, my dearest love, rest in peace. 07.11.2023 will forever stand as the darkest and most heartbreaking day of my life.
CL
